


Vulture

by sweetkisses



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Cell Phones, Eddie is 23, First Meetings, M/M, Richie is 24, They have like those large ass brick cell phones, hidden depression, it is 1996
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 16:12:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13344792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetkisses/pseuds/sweetkisses
Summary: Eddie lets his mother and anxiety control his life until Richie Tozier comes into it and changes everything.





	Vulture

**Author's Note:**

> I did not edit this so please tell me if there are any mistakes. If you struggle from anxiety please know that you are not alone and there is help everywhere for you. 
> 
> My Tumblr: https://eddie-spaghetti-tozier.tumblr.com/  
> My twitter: sweetkissesdean
> 
> Enjoy :)

Eddie was sweating. The back and under pits of his shirt are a darker blue than the rest. They are wet and have been for almost the entire night ever since he had an anxiety attack earlier. Eddie’s been having a bad time lately -we will get to that more later- and to get himself out of his own anxiety and panic driven mind he went to the bar with his best friend Mike and decided to get wasted.

Mike is somewhere else, close enough that Eddie knows he is safe but far enough that they each can enjoy themselves. Which Eddie is doing greatly at the moment. His sweaty back is pressed against a much taller and thin man who’s been shouting in his ear all night. He’s been saying shitty pickup lines, calling Eddie adorable and at one point he said the word ‘ _spaghetti_ ’. Eddie doesn’t remember meeting him, or what his face looks like -he had glasses...maybe- but he’s dancing against him as the taller boy talks loudly.

Eddie’s not listening, instead focusing on the others hands that are running across his arms, chest and upper thighs. The stranger, who Eddie believes his name to be Randy -something with an R-, is breathing around Eddie’s ear and neck. His breath feels nice against him, adding to the warmth that Eddie is already feeling in his lower abdomen.

Yeah, he’s hard. So is Randy, he has seemed hard since they first started dancing. His length is pressing against his jeans and right at the bottom of Eddie’s back. He hasn’t made any extreme advances yet and Eddie’s anxiety mind thanks him. If this circumstance happened any other day than Eddie would be crying and having an attack in the dirty bathroom of the club. Today though he’s done the dumbest decision of mixing one of his anxiety pills with a lot of fucking alcohol. Something that causes him to feel drunker, lighter and higher than he ever should. Not that he’ll tell Mike or anyone of that because they all think he’s getting better, they all think he’s getting his problems under control.

Which is a huge lie and the reason Eddie is here tonight. You see, Eddie got a phone call today from his mother who he hasn’t spoken too since he left home about 4 years ago. When he left her at the age of 18 he cried for hours on the flight out of his home town of Derry, Maine. He cried while missing the women who beat him, verbally abused him and forced him into thinking he was made of a fragile piece of glass. She was his mother after all and she did care about him but maybe she cared a  _bit_  too much.

So when he picked up the phone to hear her voice he broke down, he cried while she asked him if he’s rid himself of “those pesky dirty thoughts about other boys” and wanted to come home for her to protect from the world. She hasn’t changed and the sad truth is Eddie hasn’t changed much either. He’s gay, still having dirty thoughts about boys but now he’s accepted himself. His anxiety -which was caused by his mother- hasn’t gotten better but it hasn’t gotten worse.

That’s why Eddie nods whenever Randy yells, asking him if he wants to go back to his place and says something about a large banana collection. Eddie doesn’t question it and so unlike him he lets Randy grabs his hand and start to pull them out of the club. Mike, who is dancing a little ways off to Eddie’s right catches the small boy’s eye. Eddie smiles and nods at him, waving goodbye with his free hand as he lets himself be pulled to the outside. Mike is worried, Eddie could see it on his face but Eddie is drunk and right now he wants to forget his mother and his anxiety so he leaves.

His memory is a bit fuzz on what happens next. Randy is really cute, with big ass glasses and the curliest hair that he lets Eddie run his hands through. They are making out against the side of Randy’s apartment building when Eddie moans out the other boys name.

“Randy,” He moans as the stranger sucks a kiss onto Eddie’s jawline.

“It’s Richie.” He hears the stranger mumble.

_“Richie!”_  Eddie moans loudly when the stranger presses his lower half against Eddie’s.

“You’re so damn adorable, Ed’s.” Richie says, slotting one of his legs between Eddie’s.

“Don’t call me that.” Eddie says and that’s the last thing Eddie remembers.

*

Eddie wakes up alone. His chest is tight before he can even open his eyes. His head hurts slightly as he blinks his wide eyes open to a room that is most definitely not his. This room is a mess; so unacceptable and ridiculous. With clothes piled on every surface of the room, including the bed. Eddie’s mom would never- oh no,  _nope_ , now is not the time to think about this. He sits up, a small burp slips from him and he quickly covers his mouth as he feels the vomit rising upwards. Eddie holds it in, that’s something he’s good at from practice of all the times he’s had such a bad panic attack that he’s almost thrown up.

It’s a shitty talent.

The small boy sits up slowly, trying to concentrate on his breathing. He’s in a stranger’s house, very naked and very sore. Who knows who the stranger could be? That Randy guy- oh sorry-  _Richie_  could be a fucking mass murder. He could be hiding in the bathroom or right outside the bedroom door waiting to kill or maybe use Eddie’s body forever. Or worse, he has a whole gang of people about to rape and hurt Eddie. Oh lord. Oh no. Why did he do that dumb thing last night?

_Stupid fucking Eddie, you goddamn dumbass look now you are going to die- where’s his phone oh fuck where is his phone! He needs call Mike. Mike will help him._

Panic rises up in Eddie’s chest as he moves out of the bed, his whole body is slowly beginning to shake. He’s tired from last night, his body sore from sex, dancing, drugs and alcohol. It’s not his smartest decision but his mom affects Eddie in the worst ways.

Eddie’s begins to panic, shaking harder as his eyes move quickly about the mess of the room. He can’t find his clothes or his phone or anything. Quickly Eddie walks across the floor, stepping on two piles of clothes until he reaches the edge of the bed. There is an ottoman sitting there pressed up against the bed. On it,  _thank fuck,_  is Eddie’s clothes and cell phone.

Tears slowly fill Eddie’s eyes as he dials Mike. He sticks the phone against his ear and shoulder and pulls on his underwear, socks and pants. Mike, save his beautiful soul, picks up on the second ring.

“Hm, hello?” He mumbles, clearly just have woken up and any other day Eddie would blabber out sorry’s and hang up with embarrassment in his throat.

“ _Mike_ ,” Eddie’s voice cracks in the way it does after sex, after a dick has been in his mouth and god his mouth tastes terrible. He wonders if there’s a clean toothbrush in this mess of a room. Not really the time for that though.

_“_ Eddie?” Mike says, more alert now. “Are you okay? Where are you? You left so fast last night and I tried to stop you but by the time I got outside you and that guy were already gone.” Eddie hears shuffling and the jingle of keys and his heart sobs with a release at the thought of Mike already on his way to save Eddie.

“I’m sorry.” Eddie sobs out, looking at the ceiling with guilt and fear. “I’m so fucking dumb Mike. I slept with some guy and he could-,” he lowers his voice to a whisper, “-he could be right outside the bedroom ready to kill me. Oh god, what if he kills me-.”

“Eddie. Go to the window, look outside and tell me what you see.” Mike says into the phone. They’ve done this enough times, not Eddie doing one night stands because this is the only time it’s ever happen but Mike is always picking poor helpless Eddie up from different places.

Quietly a shirtless Eddie moves to the window and pulls back the black curtain to see some falling leafs and  _Johnny’s Auto Shop_  right across the street. Sighing out with a shaky hand Eddie switches the phone to his other ear and whispers back.

“Johnny’s auto shop.” He’s so quiet that he’s not sure he even said it. He hears movement outside the hallway of bedroom, footsteps that stop right at the door. He holds his breath, tears slipping down his face as he freezes and waits for them to leave. His possible murder; only a few feet from him.

“Okay, meet me right outside. I’ll be there in 10 minutes.” And Mike hangs out without even a goodbye. Eddie’s feels more panic rise in his throat as he tries to think of a plan. He has 10 minutes to finish getting dressed and sneak out of this apartment building without being scene. He can’t have Mike waiting outside for him because then Eddie will start to feel guiltier than he already is.

Eddie counts and it takes twenty seconds for the footsteps to walk away, hopefully in the direction away from where Eddie needs to go. As quiet as he can Eddie slips into his shirt and with tears still falling down his face he opens the door as slowly as possible. He doesn’t bother looking back at the bedroom as he slips into the hallway.

The nerves that are filled in Eddie’s chest bubble like boiling water just ready to overflow the top of the pot. There’s also a large bubble of fear and anxiety, not over the possible chance of getting murder but over the fact that he’s going to run into the cute boy and talk his way awkwardly and embarrassedly out of apartment. Eddie can barely talk to his boss and ask for a day off let alone talk to some stranger in their messy apartment.

Eddie can hear music coming from down the hallway which of course is the way he has to go because it turns out that the bedroom is the end of the apartment. With worry coursing through his body he moves on his tippy toes towards the music. First he passes a bathroom and then he passes a spare bedroom.

Next is the room where the music is coming from.

He stops right outside the doorway as his heart picks up to an unhealthy pace. If he wasn’t so desperate to get out of here than Eddie would be in a ball crying from the panic in his body right now. But he needs to get out of here. He needs to throw up, go home, cry and sleep until he has to go back to work on Monday.

Eddie blinks twice, two tears slip out of his eyes, and begins to move past the room. It’s the kitchen and inside he can see is a door that leads to a balcony and a tall beautiful man who is faced away from him. He’s humming along to the music, making eggs with two plates and two glasses of orange juice situated across from each other on the counter.

Movement occurs in Eddie stomach and he isn’t sure if it’s fondness or more vomit.

Eddie moves away and towards the last room which is the living room and thankfully the exit. He looks back down the hallway to make sure he’s escaping. A sense of something odd washes over him but it goes as quickly as it comes. Still moving quietly Eddie slips into his shoes and out the door with a layer of panic leaving him.

Mike pulls up as soon as Eddie steps out into the fall morning. He throws up on the sidewalk with horror. He wipes his mouth and silently Eddie hops into the car with dry tears on his face and looks at the clock in the car.  _8:43am_  it reads. They don’t pull away, sit there as Mike checks out Eddie with worrying eyes.

“You have so many hickeys.” He tells Eddie with voice of disappointment. “Do you wanna tell me why we went to the club last night and why you slept with some random guy?”

“I’m sorry.” Eddie simply says, holding onto the guilt, the panic and the anxiety that he’s felt since yesterday around this same time after he stupidly decided to pick up the phone. He doesn’t plan on telling Mike or any of his friends about why he did what he did and why he feels how he feels. They have enough of an idea and Eddie isn’t one to talk about feelings and emotions.

With one last look at the apartment building they drive off.

*

Eddie feels more anxious after that night. Maybe it’s because he’s worried his mom knew the sin he committed. Maybe it’s because Mike and Bill stare at him with worry in their eyes more often. Maybe it’s because Eddie is worried that there are still going to be consequences of mixing alcohol and his medicine. He’s debating going to the doctor and upping his dosage or something but he’s too nervous to call and make an appointment.

What happened the other night, sleeping with a stranger, drinking in public, dancing in public, those are all things Eddie would never do. Those are things that Eddie actually hasn’t ever done. Sure he’s fucked guys before,  _okay_ one other guy in college. They didn’t even date even though; Eddie was madly in love with him at that time. Instead they just fucked and then Eddie would be kicked out of his dorm as soon as his dick slipped out of Eddie. 

That’s how Eddie met Mike he was that guys roommate. He was there the day that Eddie walked in on his fuck buddy banging some girl and he was the one that calmed a crying Eddie down. That’s how they became friends and through Mike, Eddie met Bill who is just as sweet as Mike with a kind smile and worry in his eyes. He lost his brother at a young age and now believes he needs to protect everyone; that’s why he’s friends with Eddie because Eddie needs protecting.

At least, that’s what everyone thinks.

Eddie thinks that Mike is only friends with him because Eddie would probably die without him. They are pity friends. Eddie isn’t even sure they would use that word  _friends_  to describe them because Eddie doesn’t have any friends. He’s never had any friends. Ever since birth he has been forced to stay next to his mother, she feed him lie after lie that he was sick and forced him to take placebo medicines. She told him that having friends would make him even sicker. By the age of thirteen he learned his mother was a  _liar_  and stood his ground but by then he was the weird sick gay kid who no one wanted to be friends with.

So he survived high school alone.

About a year ago his anxiety formed into panic attacks and he was forced by a concerned Bill to go to the doctor for help. Eddie lied for two weeks, saying he scheduled an appointment and when Bill saw through that lie he called and made an appointment for Eddie. Just like how Eddie’s mom used too. That hurt. After three scheduled and missed appointments Mike forced Eddie into his car and to the doctors. He sat in the waiting room and even went into the room with the doctor.

It was humiliating but it was also the only way Eddie was going to ever get the anxiety pills. They help. They make him feel sad, like he’s mentally unstable but they also make him feel like maybe going to the grocery store or maybe driving a car isn’t as scary as it seems to be. Eddie didn’t even thank Mike and Bill because the only person he’s ever thanked for getting him medicine was his mother and we all know that ended badly.

Eddie slips a pill into his mouth as takes a deep breath and begins his walk to work.

It’s been a week since his one night stand and he still thinks about what would have happened if he was brave enough to enter that kitchen. Maybe Richie would be a really nice guy; Eddie doesn’t remember much but looking at Richie in the kitchen made him smile a bit. Maybe it was because this stranger doesn’t know about Eddie’s stupid anxiety and Eddie could have a clean start with him.

Alas, here we are in the late November air and a twenty minute walk to Eddie’s job as an Internet Technician  _(I.T.)_  at a bank. It’s a lame job _._ Eddie choose that major in college because it was the late mid 90’s and computers were up and coming. It pays well, his coworkers are nice and he has an office all to himself and if he’s lucky he can fix the companies problems through his computer and not worry about leaving his office.

The weather is dropping quickly in good old New York. Eddie is ready for the snow and winter but he also already misses the warmth of summer time. He turns a corner near the closest coffee shop to his apartment and sniffs the air before continuing on his way. His hands are deep in his pockets and his black hair is styled back.

Eddie’s short legs move quickly and soon he is entering the bank. His office is up one flight of the stairs to the left. He takes two steps in that direction.

“Good morning, Eddie.” Jessica, an older lady and teller who is basically the only person who  _really_  bothers talking to Eddie and attempting at becoming something like friends. A sad fact is at the rate Eddie’s mental state is moving she will be dead before they become friends.

“Morning.” He basically whispers and starts to pass her desk to enter the stairwell when he hears his name being called again.

“Eddie?” It’s a familiar male voice and if Eddie was anywhere else other than his job he would keep walking and not bother turning around. Since this is his place of employment Eddie squeezes his eyes shut and turns around with a small fake smile for who he thinks would be a client.

A tall man is making his way over to him and since Eddie hasn’t crossed the bank line he is able to walk right up to Eddie. The face is familiar too, handsome and beautiful with sharp features, dark eyes under a large pair of glasses and curly hair that -that Eddie has in fact ran his hand through.  _Fuck_ , because it’s-.

“Richie.” Eddie’s still basically whispering.

“Hey,” Richie bites his red lips, “I didn’t think I’d see you again, since you ran out on me after we fucked.”

Eddie’s eyes widen. So blunt. So loud. In his fucking  _workplace_. Eddie nearly growls and stands on his tippy toes, hissing at Richie for making his face burn red and his heartbeat run wild with panic.

“Shut your fucking  _trashmouth_. I work here.”

“Oooo, a trashmouth?” Richie chuckles and leans against a random pillar that they are standing near. “I’ve been called a lot of things Eddie,” he lifts his hand and begins to count on his fingers, “a fag -which only makes half sense because I’m bisexual-, a freak -agreeable-, toothy, Bucky beavers -which doesn’t work anymore I got them fixed-,” he flashes a straight teeth smile, “oh, don’t forget a-.”

“Is there a point you’re making?” Eddie questions with confusion and a small smile appearing on his face.

“Oh yeah! I’ve never been called a trashmouth before and you know I think it’s my favorite.” He nods to himself.

“It wasn’t a compliment but okay.” Eddie holds in a chuckle.

“I’m taking it as a compliment. You’re damn sassy I like it, Ed’s.” Richie winks. Eddie actually takes a step back, not for the wink but for the small seed of warm in his chest. Sadly it’s surrounded by a ball of anxiety since he has about two minutes to get upstairs before he’s late.

“Don’t call me that, it’s just Eddie.” He hears himself say. Richie smiles a wide, perfectly straight teeth damn he wasn’t kidding, at him. Eddie looks up, keeping eye contact as best as he can but he keeps finding himself looking elsewhere. His coworkers are staring, watching him with concern and humor in their eyes. Eddie hates them. His skin begins to crawl uncomfortably.

“Yeah you said that a lot the other night,” Richie distracts him again, “I mean you said a lot of things that I guess I won’t remind you of at  _work_ ,” he mocks by making his deep voice higher _, “_ but I will tell you that your mom called me daddy the other night and I came straight in my pants.”

Eddie coughs loudly. He hears a teller nearby chuckle and another one gasp. He wants to die. He wants to lay down, kill Richie and die. He also kinda wants to laugh but there’s something about Richie that tells Eddie not to laugh and give that man the satisfaction. He said it so bluntly. Something that an anxiety filled man like Eddie would never do.

“You’re disgusting.” Eddie speaks out, biting his tongue afterwords.

_Don’t be rude, Eddie_.

Richie seems to like it because he throws back those curls and lets out a bark of laughter. It’s cute. Like really cute. He looks back down at Eddie with soft eyes huge behind the glasses. He raises a long thin arm and rubs the back of his neck with his hand.

“When do you get off?” He winks and Eddie nearly coughs again. “There is this burger restaurant that I think you’d like.” He smiles again and of course dumbass Eddie needs to ruin everything.

“We don’t even know each other.” He says.

“That’s what a date is for Eddie Spaghetti! We get to learn about each other.”

There’s about thirty seconds of silence where Eddie is flooded again with panic. At first Richie was distracting him but now he feels his anxiety crawling it ways through its skin; adding to the anxiety his coworkers were causing him. He shuffles on his feet, looking down at them and looking up at Richie. A man who could maybe treat Eddie right but a man who Eddie would never be able return the favor. Eddie can’t even leave the house most days how is he going to manage a relationship.

So, as all anxiety and introverts are good at; he makes up a lie to get out of it.

“I already have plans, my friend is a little sick so I’m bringing him soup and going to spend some time with him.” Eddie doesn’t even look at Richie’s face when he says it. He’s staring at his chest which is covered by a sweatshirt that reads  _Lavender, Maine._  Only a town over from Derry. Strange how they now meet each other.

Huh.

“What about tomorrow? I’m free any time.” Richie tries again; his voice soft and sweeter than before.

“I-I’m- working.” He says dumbly, cringing at his lack of a lie.

“What time are you done?” Richie asks with a smile.

“When we close but I have a lot of work so I’m not sure when exactly I’ll be done. It all depends on the workload, since it is a Wednesday and-.”

“It is a Wednesday. A perfect date night,” Richie cuts him off, “so I’ll pick you up right outside at around-,” he looks around trying to find the hours of the bank, “-4:30 on the dot.”

“You don’t need to do that, like I said I have a lot work and I might need to stay late an-.” He sounds a bit desperate now.

“That’s fine, I can be patient. Throwing rocks at pigeons is a fun hobby of mine.” Eddie can’t tell if it’s a joke or not.

“Honestly Richie-.”

“Honestly Ed’s, do you wanna go out with me?” Richie is a witch or a bug or something that is able to crawl into Eddie’s brain and sink its teeth into him within one goddamn bite. There is seriously no reasons for Eddie’s answer to the question. No fucking reasoning. Other than Richie’s warm finger that suddenly taps against his hand.

“Sure.” Eddie answers. “Just don’t call me Ed’s.”

*

Eddie’s throwing up again. It’s only the third time of the day. Once when he woke up and thought of going to work. Once when he got to work and now because he’s thinking of the date he agreed to in less than 15 minutes. He’s sat in the bathroom at his work, sitting on toilet paper he laid out on the ground in the big stall farthest from the door. There is sweat against his forehead and he’s shivering yet sweating all together. He’s body is debating if it should begin shaking -if it should just vomit whatever Eddie’s eaten today or if it should become a full blown anxiety attack.

Eddie’s anxiety is bad today. Not the worst it’s been, no not nearly the worst but every time His breathes he feels the fucking boulder of anxiety in him grow and grow. He’s taken a pill today but it’s lost somewhere in the toilet. 

Eddie feels that he’s made out of anxiety and each organ is the reason for each of his anxiety issues and as organs go they all connect back to the heart where right now it feels like it’s going to beat out of his chest and onto the floor of the bathroom.

Maybe it’s actually his veins. The anxiety is just in the blood of his veins. Veins, blood, heart, organs who knows really but either way he’s filled with anxiety and right now it’s killing him. His arms are heavy against where his hands grip the toilet paper covered toilet seat. He thinks if he attempts to move them, loosen or tighten his grip just a bit then his arms will drop and fall off with the weight.

His breath is quick, not hyperventilating but as the time ticks to only 5 minutes until Richie is supposed to come it’s verging on hyperventilation. It’s not healthy, any of this, as he licks his dirty lips and gasps for more air but there is no air here. There is no air in the bathroom because Eddie’s taken it all. He’s already breathed all of it in. As he gasps for more air he wishes -for not the first time- that he didn’t throw away his bullshit inhaler when he was younger.

4:30 comes and passes and Eddie’s phone is buzzing in his back pocket. He’s tired now but he doesn’t reach for it. He fears that it’s Richie calling. That he somehow got his number and is going to yell at him. Ask him why he’s not with him right now. Then he’ll know Eddie’s stupid secret and his stupid anxiety and how he can’t fucking control it.

So instead of answering the call from Bill; Eddie cries.

It should be humiliating. That he’s sat, crying with anxiety, fear and pain seeping through his body in his works bathroom. It is humiliating even though no one is there to see it because it’s all that Eddie is going to think about for the next week.

It’s 5:30 when Eddie moves like a zombie to pick himself off the floor. He cleans up the toilet paper he was sitting on with shaking hands. He stands in front of the bathroom mirror, as his phone buzzes in his back pocket again. His dark hair is still styled nicely, just a small piece of it sticking up weirdly. He wets his fingers with the sink and flattens it back down. Next he washes his face, scrubbing with water and soap, waking his body up and cleaning himself so that no one can see what just happened.

Eddie’s shifts his clothes, smoothing them out and with a shaky breath and makes his way out of the bathroom. Everyone is gone, since it’s Friday and they did close over an hour ago. Eddie gathers his belongs sluggishly and adjust himself one lefts time and makes his way out of his office and down the stairs and out the front door.

It’s chilly out in the bright sun. It hurts against his skin. It makes him feel more vulnerable, that everyone who’s passing him, glancing at him and noticing him. They see the sun reflecting his post anxiety attack.

They all know.

Eddie moves his jacket tighter around him and begins to make his way down the street but he can barely take two steps before his phone is ringing  _again_  in his back pocket. He sighs and answers the call.

“Hello?” Eddie says, trying to sound chipper.

“Eddie where are you?” It’s Bill. He’s with Mike, they are sat at their apartment worrying why Eddie isn’t home yet.

“Sorry, I got caught up doing work, forgot what time it was. I’m on my way now.” Eddie says into the phone and Bill responds with a sigh.

“Are you okay?” He hates Eddie. The small man can hear the annoyance and hatred in his voice. He moves his little legs faster as the tears of self-hatred and frustration return to his eyes, threatening to stain his already washed cheeks.

“I’m fine!” Eddie squeaks out, louder than necessary. He takes a step to cross the street and once he reaches the other side he swears he hears someone call his name but he’s distracted by Bill telling him he made dinner.

When Eddie makes it home he makes sure to go inside with a bright smile on his face.

“I’m so sorry guys, work.” He waves a hand and sits at a seat next to Bill at the kitchen table; still wearing that smile.

“That’s okay.” Bill says, smiling back at him. They don’t know the plans Eddie made with Richie. He didn’t tell him out of fear of what could have happened and that is exactly what did happen with him. 

“We ordered from the pizza place at the corner so I hope you’re.” Mike smiles at him. Eddie nods even though he’s not very hungry. His stomach does feel a tab better now though. Bill begins to talk about a nice bike he saw while passing the bike store earlier. Eddie smiles genuinely and nods along. He loves them; Bill and Mike and being with them makes him feel better already.

As his anxiety works through him, he doesn’t feel better for very long.

*

That night Eddie lays in bed and turns on the radio of his alarm clock. He never does this -usually after a bad anxiety infused day he’ll lay in bed and stare at the ceiling in silence. Just let the waves of embarrassment and pain wash over him. Tonight though he feels different and wants to hear the soft hum of the radio.

He turns away and curls under his blankets as the radio plays out the ending of some obnoxious sign. He brings his knees up to his chest and breathes in and out deeply as he attempts to release his pent up anxiety before it all comes rushing back the next day.

He tries to make him as small as possible while the blankets are fanned our around him. If he’s small enough maybe the anxiety will leave faster.

“Here’s our slow song of the hour! Enjoy it you losers.” The announcer says using a strange British accent as the beginning chorus of the song beings to play.

The radio begins to play a soft song. The words and melody sink into Eddie’s sing. Be closes his eyes and lets himself push deeper into his bed. The song helps move the anxiety through his body, following the line of his blood and then escaping out of him. It feels nice, calming and relaxing.

He feels better than he’s felt in a long time.

Eddie turns around to look at the station he has the radio on  _101.8_  and makes a mental note to put the station on again tomorrow night.

*

Eddie thought that standing Richie up would have ended whatever chance he might have had with the taller man. Of course, that was his anxiety telling him that. So when he shows up to work the next day he sees the curly haired man sitting in the waiting area section of the bank floor. He’s wearing a blue sweatshirt today with white-washed jeans and ugly boots that Eddie would never dare to wear.

Eddie’s heart picks up its pace when he spots Richie sitting there. He’s obviously waiting for Eddie because as soon as Eddie walks through the bank door Richie is standing up. The small man tries to get away, to not have to deal with whatever awkward social interaction will happen. He’s short though, only 5’6 and his little legs don’t move far as fast as Richie’s long ass ones do.

“Hey Ed’s,” Richie gently grabs the sleeve of Eddie’s winter jacket - _what! It’s cold out_.

It’s a gentle grab and no matter how much Eddie’s anxiety is screaming at him the smile on Richie’s face somehow...calms him?

“Richie, I...um- I’m-.” Eddie tries, wringing his gloved hands together. He’s ready for the disappointment, for the yells, for the anger, for the names but Richie doesn’t do any of that. In fact Richie acts as if yesterday didn’t even happen.

“You and me should get lunch today? Do you have a lunch break? We can go to this quick sandwich shop two streets over. I’m a regular there so I can get us a quiet table for a nice lunch date. What do you think?”

It’s cute. It’s sweet. And it’s weird that Richie still wants to go out. There’s a flicker of worry in Richie’s eyes as Eddie takes a while to answer. He’s smiling though, with straight teeth. He’s cute and he’s nice and maybe Bill and Mike would be happy to pass Eddie along to someone else.

“Are you sure you want too?” He asks dumbly, giving Richie the chance to address Eddie’s fuck up yesterday.

“I mean yeah- if you want too.” Richie winks.

“Then yeah,” Eddie answers and this time he means it. A reminder of the music that played him to sleep rings in his head. The soft song that he doesn’t even know the name of. The obnoxious announcer talking about donuts for three minutes before playing a quick song.

It’s odd, it makes no sense, but it’s the reason he agrees.

*

Thirty minutes before the date Eddie takes an anxiety pill.

At 12:30pm Eddie gathers his bag, leaving his packed lunch, and takes a deep breath before going down the stairs and outside. He smells cigarettes as soon as the cold hair hits him. He cringes his nose as he takes another deep breath to calm his nerves. He coughs out at the smell. 

“Ed’s hey!” He hears and turns to his left where Richie is standing in the same outfit as before with a cigarette between his fingers. Eddie looks down at it, scrunches his nose and then look back up at Richie.

“Don’t call me that, it’s just Eddie.” And because he’s feeling less anxious in front of Richie he says something dumb; “also put that out its fucking disgusting and sinks.” He wants to throw himself into a trashcan and hide as soon as the words are out of his mouth.

_Stop embarrassing yourself._

Maybe he should have stayed inside.

“You’re funny,” Richie laughs loudly and puts out the cigarette. “You’re sassy and I like it,” he throws an arm around Eddie’s shoulder and begins to lead them down the street, “You were super sassy when we met,  _super_  drunk but super sassy. I like it.” He repeats.

“Thanks?” Eddie questions. He can feel the pill breaking down and relaxing his anxiety. He feels his blood begin to slow down. That’s not what really happens but it’s what he images, that’s how the anxiety in him reacts to his medicine.

“I mean I was drunk too but damn you’re so small and drunk-.” Richie cuts himself off. The farther they walk the more Eddie’s anxiety starts to creep back up. He tries to push it back down and tries to keep himself calm because Richie doesn’t need to know, maybe Richie can treat him normally and not so  _broken_  and  _fragile_. So Eddie breathes through his nose and puts his shaky hands inside his pocket.

_“_ You’ll love this place my dearest Edwardo,” Richie mumbles out with a strange accent that Eddie can’t put his finger arm.

“What was that?” He smiles, walking with the warm man. His  _disease_  swimming through his veins.

“What was what?” Richie asks.

“That accent? It was fucking terrible.” Eddie chuckles, not looking at Richie.

“Oh, Spaghetti, my accents are my specialty. You’ll learn to love them and me,” Eddie doesn’t even need to look at him to know that he’s winked.

Thirty minutes. His break is thirty minutes he can do this. He can sit and make small talk and flirt... maybe? He can be an object for people to stare at and laugh at and talk about later. He’s going to do something stupid. He’s gonna totally do something stupid. Maybe he should fake being sick, get out of this and go back to work. He has a packed lunch he can eat that instead. Yeah that’s probably bett-.

“Ladies first.” He hears as Richie’s arm slips out from his shoulder and reaches out to grab the door of the building. Eddie blinks at Richie, confused on how they got here so fast and how Richie didn’t notice anything.

“Oh, thanks?” Eddie walks through the door awkwardly. As soon as he steps inside he feels a pull from his body to turn and walk right back out but he can do this. He can be brave and do this so instead he turns to Richie with a shaky smile.

“This place is cute.” He lies, not even have looked around at it -too afraid of the eyes of strangers he can feel on himself.

“Not as cute as you.” Richie says.

“Shut up, Richie.” He blushes and turns away to look at his feet instead.

“Richie!” Eddie’s eyes flicker up to see a pretty redhead lady walking towards them wearing an apron, she smiles and plants a kiss on Richie’s cheek. Behind her is a handsome tall man -not as tall as Richie- that is muscular with almost as nice of a smile that Mike has.

“Hey, I don’t have a lot of time here.” Richie smiles at them, slipping an arm around Eddie’s shoulders again. “I’m on a date here with sweet Eddie Spaghetti.”

“Oh!” Bev smiles and looks at Eddie. He averts his eyes to the wall behind her, afraid to look directly at her or the other man. “I’m Bev and this is Ben and-.”

“We have twenty-five minutes, sorry B squared.” Richie chuckles and leads Eddie over to a booth in the far back corner of the small restaurant. There is already two sandwiches and two waters sitting on the table. Eddie turns to Richie and raises an eyebrow as he shuffles out of his coat.

“Prepared much?” He jokes lightly, still nervous that he might have to  _actually_  meet those two people before the date is over. He isn’t good with new people or people in general. Richie shrugs at him, sitting down while Eddie sits across from him.

“I got us the most popular item on the menu. It’s called the Tozier -named after yours truly.” He winks across the table and Eddie lets out a snort of laughter.

“You’re joking, why would they name a sandwich after you?” He teases, feeling better in this secluded corner with a smiling man across from him.

“Because I’m beautiful and friends with the owner -but mostly the beautiful thing.” He shakes his head slowly and dramatically. Eddie laughs again with a roll of his eyes.

“Beautifully deformed.” Eddie jokes and is happy to see that Richie throws his head back with loud laughter. It should be embarrassing, any other time Eddie would look around with worry but Richie just makes him smile.

He looks down at the sandwich and it actually does look good; so he slowly lifts it up and takes a tiny bite of the sandwich. It’s good,  _really_  good.

_“_ This is good!” Eddie tells him with a smile.

“I told you that you’d like it Ed’s.” Richie smiles back and takes a large bite. He crews grossly with his mouth open but Eddie lets it slide this time.

“So what do you do?” Eddie asks, attempts a conversation.

“I work during the week with my best friend and during the weekends I fuck your mom.” Richie chuckles lightly. Eddie rolls his eyes and smiles back, ignoring the mention of his mom. Richie clears his throat and moves one of his hands to rub at the back of his neck.

“Terrible.” Eddie whispers, taking another bite.

“I work at a local radio station.” Richie says happily. “My best friend, Stan, works with me. He’s behind the scenes and yells at me when I swear too much,” they both laugh a bit, “he’s great. You’d like him.”

“I was actually listening to a radio station last night. I don’t really listen to the radio but I put it on and they were playing a few good songs that I didn’t know and then they played  _With or Without You_ , one of my favorite songs.” Eddie admits. He’s not sure why he’s sharing information like this with Richie but the man doesn’t judge or joke he smiles and says;

“Love that song. It’s probably one of the best songs from the 80’s.”

“One of them.” Eddie nods, half of his sandwich already gone.

“One of them?” Richie questions. “Quick, tell me what your favorite song is ever? Don’t worry about the decade or the artist, just your favorite song.” He pauses, chewing, “oh! And why it’s your favorite song. Okay go!” Richie smiles, food in his mouth.

“ _Africa_.” Eddie admits with a smile.

“I said why!” Richie raises an eyebrow, his smile wide and beautiful.

“I’m not sure,” Eddie shrugs, “I just really like it. It makes me calm and happy.”

“Same here.” Richie grins and finishes his sandwich.

“You like  _Africa_  too?”

“It’s my favorite your mom plays it whenever we fuck.” He winks and Eddie frowns and looks away for a brief second. He really doesn’t want to be reminded of his shitty mother. He’s supposed to be enjoying himself, not letting her ruin his life anymore, so he takes a deep breath and smiles across the table at Richie.

Richie reaches a hand out across the table, palm up and Eddie reluctantly puts his own hand in it. He feels softness and a calm wave wash over him when Richie squeezes his hand. It’s then he realizes that since he’s sat down he hasn’t been bothered by his anxiety. 

He feels oddly good with Richie but right now Eddie is going to say it is his medicine but deep down he knows it’s more than that.

“What’s this from?” Eddie asks, pointing with his free hand to a small scar on Richie’s forearm.

“Oh,” Richie licks his lips nervously but doesn’t pull away, “I got too close to a flying beer bottle. It broke over my head and a piece cut my arm on the way down. It hurt like a bitch.” He shakes his head. “But hey if you’re the ‘chick digs scars’ kinda girl then look at this one.”

Richie let’s go on Eddie’s hand, the smaller boy leaves his on the table, and pulls up the left side of his shirt to show off a much larger and thicker scar. Eddie cringes back at how bad that must have hurt.

“This one I got from when I thought I made a flying machine out of a few pieces of paper and a cardboard box and I jumped off my roof and cut myself on a broken flag pole in Stan’s backyard.” Richie chuckles.

“You as a child is the biggest idiot ever.” Eddie rolls his eyes.

“A child!? I was fucking twenty.”

And they both laugh loudly. Eddie throws his head back, the fluttering feeling in his abdomen feels light. He can feel the crinkles form around his eyes from how big he’s smiling. His anxiety is in him. He can still feel it. He can hear it reminding him that he’s going to need to walk out of here, go back to work and pass hundreds of eyes. Instead of focusing on that through Eddie stares at Richie.

“You’re so cute,” Richie tells him using a strange British accent, “cute cute cute!” He grins and leans across the table to try and pinch Eddie’s cheeks.

“You’re an ass.” He slaps at Richie’s hand and glares at him. Richie pushes up his sleeves to his elbow. There is a small array of tattoos on his left forearm that Eddie vaguely remembers kissing and admiring that one night. He blushes and looks at a small tattoo that is black with red.

“Loser?” Eddie nods to it. “Why would you tattoo that on yourself?” He asks and Richie smiles at him.

“It actually says lover.” Richie chuckles.

“You’re an idiot.” He pauses. “Why though?” Eddie asks again.

“My friends and I got called losers a lot when we were kids but I like to think of myself as a lover instead.” He leans back in the booth and chuckles as looks down at his arm of tattoos.

“What about this one?” Eddie asks, pointing to a cassette tape tattoo. Richie leans forward and begins to quickly explain.

Their lunch date ends too quickly for Eddie’s liking. Richie walks him back to work and Eddie feels his anxiety fully control him by the time they’re standing back in front of the bank. Eddie pulls them away from the door, standing just a bit off and behind a sigh so that his coworkers can’t see. Other people can see. Like that old lady waiting for the bus across the street and that group of four businessmen making their way over.

“I had fun.” Eddie tells the ground as nervous fill him. Richie reaches out and taps his fingers against Eddie’s hand. The smaller boy gulps and looks up at him.

“I wanna kiss you,” Richie admits quietly, “Can I kiss you?” He asks. Eddie debates, his eyes flicker to a particularly masculine man nearby. He wonders if he’ll freak out if he sees Eddie and Richie kiss. He worries a lot but a look in Richie’s eyes makes him nod anyways

“Yeah,” He whispers. Richie moves his hand to the side of Eddie’s face. He leans down as Eddie leans up and their lips meet briefly. It’s a sweet kiss. Nothing special as it’s not their first kiss and when they pull away Eddie really hopes it is not their last kiss.

“Here.” Eddie scrambles in his bag, grabbing a pen from it. He’s going to be late for work, his hands are shaky as he grips Richie’s scarred hand and writes his number on it. It’s messy handwriting and honestly Eddie will be surprised if Richie can read it later.

“Bye Richie.” Eddie smiles, letting go of Richie’s hand and slipping back into work.

*

_Africa_  plays as the ‘slow song of the hour’ that night as Eddie lies in bed. He falls asleep to the last chorus of the song while thinking of Richie. Sadly he falls asleep right before the announcer comes back on the radio and talks about a cute sandwich shop that his friends own.

*

Richie and Eddie go out that weekend after Richie practically begs Eddie over the phone. Eddie tells Mike and Bill that he’s going to the mall with some coworkers. They smile and tell him to have fun. He feels bad for lying but he’s scared to tell him that he’s seeing someone. So he lets them believe he’s making friends and that his anxiety is getting better. With a smile to them he slips out of their apartment with a black bag that has a small rainbow pin on it.

He’s smiles when he spots Richie’s car waiting for him. Said man is leaning against the car, tapping on the roof of it. He smiles when he spots Eddie and waves to him. Eddie smiles back and walks with his head down as he approaches Richie.

“Hey there cutie,” Richie says when he gets closer.

“Hi Richie,” Eddie rolls his eyes. “Where are you taking me today?” He asks as he nervously fits inside Richie’s car. It’s dirty on the inside and it instantly reminds Eddie of the other man’s bedroom. He wonders if he cleaned it.

“I was thinking we could either go bowling or we could go to the movies?” Richie offers as he sits down in the driver’s seat.

“What movies are out?” Eddie asks, already knowing the bowling would cause a peak in his anxiety.

“RoboCop 3 or Mrs. Doubtfire.”

“You would pick probably the two weirdest movies out.” Eddie tells him with a smile.

“I mean if you don’t wanna go to the movies we could go back to my place and  _watch a movie_?” He winks and raises his eyebrows.

“You wanna fuck?”

“Whoa! Calm down Eddie Spaghetti I never said that we should fuck but you know, since you did bring it up we should totally fuck.” He grins and Eddie rolls his eyes at him.

“You’re such a teenage boy.” Eddie tells him.

“A teenage boy who could be your daddy.” Richie says and Eddie nearly chokes on air. “You’re step-daddy? Whichever fucking daddy you like actually.”

“How about no daddy.” He tells the taller man. Richie shrugs and starts the car. He pulls out and onto the road.

“You sound just like my friend Stan. He’s always saying I should be less blunt, I mean maybe I should but isn’t it a compliment if I tell you I wanna fuck? Is it really so bad that I want your cock in my mouth.”

Eddie does choke this time and Richie just laughs at him.

 *

It’s mid December and Richie and Eddie have been dating for a few weeks now. Eddie feels better and he’s happy to admit it. He takes his medicine, hangs out with Mike and Bill more and mostly Richie. Richie who’s somehow perverted and sweet. He makes Eddie laugh and roll his eyes all together. He’s terrible yet probably the best thing that’s happened because he makes Eddie happy and he helps Eddie forget about his anxiety sometimes.

Maybe it’s all in Eddie’s head. Maybe he just thinks that it’s Richie helping him but it’s actually the medicine. Either way Eddie really fucking likes Richie. Even if he talks way too fucking much even during sex he doesn’t shut up. Eddie hates to admit he likes it. He also hates to admit that Richie moaning  _Ed’s_  turned him on way more than it should have.

Eddie leaves work and is heading home when Richie’s car pulls up next to him.

“Hey there cutie,” he hears Richie say but he keeps walking to tease him. “I may have a boyfriend already but his ass isn’t as nice as yours fucking is.” Eddie’s stomach flips at the word boyfriend and he stops to turn to Richie. He’s wearing a black sweater with rainbow stripes down the sleeves and almost hanging out of the car window.

“You’re gonna crash.” Eddie tells him, he ignores the eyes of standbys and focuses on Richie.

“If I crash will you be the one to give me CPR?” Richie asks with a wink. Eddie walks up the car window and leans down until their faces are close.

“I could give you CPR right here but my hands are frozen.”

“I guess you can just do the fucking mouth to mouth action then.” Richie tells him and leans out farther for a kiss. Eddie smirks and stands back up. “Hey cutie, no don’t go.”

Eddie giggles and begins to walk around Richie’s car and hops in. It’s wild. Eddie’s anxiety is there, but it’s not creeping up on him or making him worry because Richie is here and  _fuck_  Richie makes him better.

“Drive me home it’s fucking freezing.” He tells Richie.

“Aw, why go home when you can come to work with me? I have to go in early to go to a meeting but you can chill in my office and open yourself for me while you wait.”

“No thanks,” Eddie tells him, slightly nervous of going to a new setting and meeting new people. That he still can’t do even though Richie has asked him to meet his friends about three times already. He doesn’t push when Eddie says no though and the small man really appreciates it. He should meet Richie’s friends, he should, but he’s scared. So maybe one day in the future.

“The meeting will be quick, I just have to interview someone to be my new co-host for my show.” He starts driving.

“Why do you need a co-host?” Eddie asks, still not wanting to go.

“I’m funny, but I think having someone else on the Tozier show would be even funnier.” Oh yeah, Eddie learned just last week that his favorite late night radio show is in fact run by Richie Tozier. He realized when Richie asked for call-ins about cute date ideas and Eddie ended up going on a cold hike the next day. He also recognized Richie’s voice, fuck him.

“Funnier isn’t a word.” Eddie tells him. “I think your show is funny enough.” He regrets the words quickly. “Wait no-.”

“You think I’m funny!” Richie shouts in the car with an Irish accent -Eddie hates to admit that it’s his best accent. “You think that I’m funny!” He rolls the window down. “Hello world! Eddie Kaspbrak thinks that I’m funny! You heard it hear folks.”

Eddie reaches over him to roll the window up.

“Oh damn, I didn’t know you were into giving road head,” Richie winks and spreads his legs as Eddie sits back up.

“You wish.”

“Oh I do, I really do.” He winks again. Eddie thinks that Richie has winked more times than Eddie can even count. “So you don’t wanna come to work with me?” He asks again.

“Maybe another time.” He lies.

Richie drives them to Eddie’s place and pulls up outside. He puts the car in park and leans over to give the smaller man a long kiss. Eddie places a gloved hand on Richie’s cheek before he pulls away with a small smile.

“Have fun at work tonight.” He tells him, stepping out of the car.

“Thanks babe! Maybe I can come over after work?” He asks. He has a grip on Eddie’s anxiety and in that moment the smaller man isn’t nervous so he says yes and Richie’s eyes light up happily. As soon as the curly haired man drives away Eddie regrets saying yes.

*

Eddie nearly throws up trying to find the courage to tell Bill and Mike that Richie is coming over. He’s not nervous for the face that they won’t get along he’s nervous for Richie to see his anxiety or for Bill and Mike to tell him. It’s crazy, they would never do that. They’re his friends? No, yeah they are his friends. They helped him through so much and you don’t help people and live with them if you’re not friends, right? He isn’t sure. Maybe. Maybe not.  _Ugh_.

Mike and Bill are in their living room, watching some lame sitcom that Eddie never seemed to enjoy. Mike is lying on one couch and Bill is sitting in an armchair. They’re talking and Eddie’s has a million thoughts running through his head as he takes a step into the room.

“Eddie,” Mike looks at him, “do you think that I would make a good actor?” He asks. Eddie nods, not daring to open his mouth too nervous about Mike and Bill’s reactions. Of course when Eddie doesn’t answer they both turn their heads directly towards him. He really feels like vomiting now.

“Eddie, you okay?” Bill asks. Mike sits up on the couch and Eddie can see him wondering if he should get up.

“I have something to tell you guys.” Eddie whispers. He sits on the edge of the couch, his butt barely even on it as he stares at the ground. He can feel sweat beginning to form and he knows that if he doesn’t speak soon then he won’t speak at all.

Mike and Bill wait, knowing that if they speak Eddie might run.

“I’m seeing someone. His name is Richie and he is coming here tonight.” The fragile boy whispers to the ground.

“That’s great!” Bill exclaims. Eddie only nods, still not looking up.

“How long have you guys been together?” Mike asks nicely.

“Over a month.” He answers with stuffy ears.

“What’s he like?” Bill asks and Eddie can faintly hear Mike hitting Bill and probably mouthing something. Eddie isn’t sure, his eyes can’t seem to move from a certain spot on the grey carpet.

“He’s funny, gross, an idiot.” Eddie smiles and looks up at his friends. “He’s like the biggest idiot and makes so many sexual jokes but he cares a lot, I think so at least.” He bites his lip and keeps his eyes on a grinning Bill and Mike. Their smiles so bright that Eddie smiles with them. Maybe he’s smiling because he’s thinking of Richie but seeing his friends smile makes him happy.

*

Richie of course gets along swimmingly with Bill and Mike. It’s not surprising because Eddie thinks Richie can charm his way through the FBI after becoming a serial killer. They are sat at the kitchen table right now. Bill and Mike across from them where Richie has basically pulled his chair flush with Eddie’s. His arm hanging around Eddie’s waist. The smaller boy has almost no nervous running through him as he throws his head back to laugh at whatever stupid thing Richie has said.

“You’re an ass.” Eddie tells Richie after the man finishes a story about how he once almost fell off the roof of a building because he was so drunk.

“The only ass I like is yours.”

Eddie, Mike and Bill all grown in response.

“What!” Richie smiles, “am I not allowed to flirt with this cutie?” Eddie rolls his eyes and blushes.

“No,” Bill laughs, “Eddie did say you make sexual jokes.”

“I specialize in sexual jokes and your mom jokes.” He tells them. Eddie watches as Bill and Mike exchange looks. He knows it’s about him and about his mom. “Eddie appreciates them both.”

“I really don’t.” He avoids Bill’s worried glance.

“I also specialize in watching this cutie do anything or wear anything. Did you guys know he used to wear a fanny pack as a kid?” Richie almost yells. “How damn cute would a child Eddie be with a tiny rainbow fanny pack?” He asks, “Wait is there a photo album around here with that picture?”

“No, I don’t have any pictures of me when I was younger.” Eddie tells him, shifting in his seat.

“Oh,” Richie scratches at his head, “maybe I’ll buy you a neon pink fanny pack and give it to you for Christmas.” He thinks out loud.

“Oh shit, Christmas is in two weeks.” Mike puts his face in his hands.

“Did you forget?” Bill chuckles.

“Yes.” Mike and Eddie answer together.

“Well in that case,” Richie turns to look at Eddie. “I want Santa to bring me some condoms and one of those new CD players.”

“You work at a radio station don’t you get those for free?” Eddie asks.

“Yeah, but I want one from you.” He winks.

*

“If I was to get a tattoo I think it would be pink or blue. I’m not sure I just really like those colors,” Eddie is holding Richie’s arm, they are both slightly sweaty as he skims his fingers over the older man’s tattooed arm. “You know you never asked me what my favorite color is, it is pink. I think pink is such a pretty color and I know all those things are like,  _guys shouldn’t wear pink_ , but fuck those people I’m gay I can wear pink if I fucking want too.

“You wear pink all the fucking time what are you talking about.” Richie yawns and stretches his body without moving the arm in Eddie’s grasp.

“I do because I  _like_  pink. You wear rainbow a lot and black a lot. I like those colors on you. Maybe I should wear rainbow? I do have rainbow shorts but it’s fucking December and I’m not trying to freeze to death-.”

“You in shorts? Stop talking or I might get hard again.” Richie looks down at Eddie who glares up at him.

“You pervert.” Eddie tells him as Richie leans down for a kiss.

“You talk a lot after sex.” Richie whispers into Eddie’s mouth.

“Shut up,” Eddie tells him, “you talk along during sex.” Richie nods in agreement. “Especially with those shitty fucking accents.” Richie nods again.

*

“Hello?” Eddie groans into his phone having just woken up due to the ringing of an incoming call. He’s lying in bed, cold under the covers as he pressed the phone to his ear and ducks his head under the blanket.

“Ed’s!” He hears.

“Richie?” Eddie questions, voice groggy.

“Yeah it’s me baby,” He hears a television on in the background.

“Why are you calling me at,” Eddie peaks out of the covers to his alarm clock, “fucking 6 in the morning?”

“I wanted to talk to you before you have to go to work.” He laughs into the phone. Eddie can hear a smile on the other man’s face and Eddie hates to admit that it brings a tiny one out on his.

“Oh, well next time you think about calling at ass o’clock,  _don’t_.” Eddie groans into the phone. He feels his body waking up and that means he can feel the anxiety in his veins.

“Oh no,” he hears Richie laugh, “is that grumpy morning Eddie? I bet you’re so fucking cute right now. All with bed head and crinkly eyes. Damn I wish I was there.” He’s still smiling. Eddie rolls over in his bed to lie on his back as the anxiety of that morning comes back through his body.

“Yeah, well. Sorry.” He apologizes, not really knowing what else to say.

“You and me should go out tonight? There’s this pasta place by my apartment -holy fuck it’s the best shit you could ever imagine I’ll telling you.” Richie tells him, “they have this white sauce, I’m not sure what it’s called-.”

“Alfredo sauce-.”

“Yeah, Alfredo sauce. Like that shit may look like jizz but it taste like heaven.” And Eddie can’t help but let out an obnoxious laugh.

“That’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard anyone say.” Eddie tells him.

“I never told you that I was smart.” Richie jokes back. “My friends always call me an idiot but I’m a smart idiot.”

Eddie can practically hear the wink through the phone.

“It’s Tuesday, how late do you work until? I can pick you up outside of your work.”

And Eddie is grumpy and nervous but he agreed to the date and tells Richie to pick him up at 4:30. Richie makes a joke about Eddie better being there this time. Eddie rolls his eyes and tries sinking into Richie’s laugh rather than his anxiety.

*

“Do you need a ride to work?” Mike asks Eddie when the smaller man walks out into the kitchen dressed for his day after slipping one pill into his mouth and another into his bag.

“Sure! If you don’t mind.” Eddie smiles as he basically skips around the table to grab some orange juice from the fridge.

“Why are you so chipper?” Bill asks with eggs in his mouth.

“Richie” Eddie answers and pours himself a cup before placing the jug back into the fridge.

“Wow, he is something special,” Bill says, “it’s just usually you’re dragging when you have to go to work and wake up early.” He says and Mike nods in agreement. Eddie bites his lip for a second before spilling the news.

“I really like him.” He says shyly to Mike and Bill. He watches them exchange looks -a silent conversation before Bill speaks up.

“You think you might love him?” He asks carefully.

“I-i mean we’ve only been dating for three months.“ Eddie blinks and bites his lip. He isn’t sure if he loves Richie. The man makes him happy, makes his forget his anxiety but he doesn’t even know about the anxiety and Eddie can’t tell him because then Richie will leave him.

“Don’t listen to Bill, you can love him whenever you’re ready.“ Mike tells Eddie while glaring at Bill. He feels embarrassment run through him. He hates it but he still doesn’t let it bother him too much.

Eddie nods, still not making eye contact with them. He doesn’t want to see their eyes. He isn’t sure if it will be judging eyes or worried eyes or happy eyes. And frankly he doesn’t want to know. They are his friends and as much as Eddie cares about them he fears that they might be right and he could love Richie yet the man doesn’t even know his darkest secrets.

“Actually, I’m going to walk to work.” Eddie tells them and before they can respond he’s rushing out of the door, way too early than he needs to. So he walks slowly even though the weather is cold against his bare face. He walks with his face towards the ground and counts his steps to avoid the thoughts of anxiety that are threatening to surface.

He hears his phone ring in his bag but decides to not answer it. It’s probably just Bill and Mike but it could also be Richie. Worst of all it could be his mother who would notice right away that he’s ‘seeing’ someone. She’d tell him evil things, make him regret his gay choices and make him hate himself.

_Fuck_ , even when she’s not here she still manages to destroy him.

She’s the one who started this. The one who still tries to control Eddie. Fuck her and everything she’s ever made him think and believe. And right now maybe she’s right. Maybe the only people who could love Eddie is her because once Eddie tells Richie the truth he will lose him.

Eddie can’t do this.

He stops walking and picks his phone out of his bag. He calls his boss and tells him he’s sick and he’s not coming in. His boss tells him to get better and take some medicine.

_Medicine_. Just take some medicine like his mom always told him too.

Eddie turns around and heads back home. Mike and Bill are leaving the house when he enters it. They look at him, ask him if he’s okay. He avoids them, arms feeling heavy as he makes his way to his room and locking the door behind him.

“Eddie? You okay?” Mike taps through the door as a crying Eddie falls onto his bed. He kicks off his shoes and crawls under the covers.

_No,_  he answers Mike in his head.

Bill and Mike stay outside his door, whispering to each other and occasionally calling out for Eddie. He doesn’t answer and eventually they say that they’re leaving and that they’ll call him to check in on him. Eddie nods in response and turns his back to his bedroom door.

They stick to their plan and each one of them calls every hour and after each phone call he feels slightly better. They are his best friends, regardless of the lies Eddie’s mind tell him. They help him. He sees things a bit cleaner, his dramatics, his mother’s strong grip on him still and it fucking hurts. He knows he’s going to miss his date tonight, he can’t even get out of bed to close his curtains.

Eddie feels tears slip down his face as he knows that him and Richie won’t work. Maybe in another life. Maybe somewhere that Eddie’s anxiety didn’t control every aspect of his life. In a life where Eddie’s mother didn’t ruin him from the start. He likes Richie, maybe even loves him. He thinks that if he wasn’t a fucked up anxiety boy then he could be with Richie. Richie is funny and cute and honestly someone Eddie would never picture himself dating.

He’s perfect but unfortunately Eddie isn’t.

Eddie sighs and wipes off his face. He takes three deep breaths and clears his throat as he grabs his phone from his bedside table. His fingers feel weird as he types in Richie’s number. He tries to calm his nerves, to slow his breathing but when he hears Richie’s voice he breaks down.

“Hello?” Eddie is crying. He doesn’t want too. He wants to be brave, strong, someone that Richie deserves but he isn’t.

“Richie.” He breathes.

“Eddie?” He hears the taller man moving around through the phone. “What’s wrong, Ed’s?”

“Don’t call me that,” Eddie whispers. “I need to say something and then I’m going to hang up and you’ll never have to see me again.”

“The fuck are you talking about?” Eddie ignores him.

“You deserve better okay. I’m -I’m fucked up and I really like you, I do,” he admits and as he says it he knows that it’s actually love. He smiles for a second but frowns as soon as the next words leave his mouth. “But this isn’t going to work. I have anxiety,” he takes a shaky breath, “really fucking bad anxiety that telling you this makes me wanna throw up.”

“Ed’s I-.”

“Don’t.” He tells him. “I’m sorry but this isn’t going to work.”

“Eddie wait-.” But Eddie hands up. He throws his block of a cell phone towards the edge of the bed and he cries. He cries long and hard and it’s not even his anxiety at this point it’s just a broken heart. He pretends he doesn’t hear his phone constantly ringing. 

A few hours later, and visits from Mike and Bill who he finally lets in his room. Mike tells him sweet words while Bill does the same. He feels like a burden. A pain for them to keep around and he would leave, get out of their hairs forever but he doesn’t have anywhere to go. Well, he could go home but even thinking of that makes Eddie scared.

It hurts so much that Eddie thinks of Richie just to feel a bit better.

*

That night Eddie doesn’t sleep instead he listens to his radio station. They play slow songs all night. The announcer’s voice sounds sad and doesn’t do a terrible accent the whole night.

Eddie regrets listening to it.

*

Eddie loses his job the next week. Mainly because he hasn’t been there for a whole week. He can’t find the life in him to go. All he can do is lay in bed and avoid the worrying stares from Mike and Bill. He’s also avoiding Richie as much as possible. It’s easier now since Eddie hasn’t left his apartment and Richie isn’t waiting outside of his past job. He has shown up at the apartment though and Eddie couldn’t be happier for Bill and Mike sending his away. He isn’t sure if they think its Richie’s fault that Eddie’s life is falling apart but  _finally_  Eddie thinks that they are truly his friends.

Bill and Mike aren’t home right now, out shopping even though it’s a late hour, so Eddie has ventured into the living room. It isn’t that can’t be in here when they are home but he doesn’t like knowing that they are staring at him and waiting for his body to crack. He’s lying on the couch, watching the news and acting as if his body isn’t on fire for whatever dumb reason his anxiety is acting up. Which makes a lot of sense because Eddie’s body just seems to be ahead of what is coming for him.

His phone is ringing and the only reason Eddie answers is because Mike promised to call him about their groceries. So he answers.

“Hey Mike,” Eddie says into the receiver.

“Eddie?” The smaller man sits up quickly on the couch as his heart quickens.

“Mom?” He wants to cry.

“Eddie, who is this Mike-.”

“Why are you calling me?” He interrupts. His eyes scan his apartment out of fear as his nervous pick up.

“I’m calling you because I’m your mother and I worry about you. You didn’t even call on Christmas or New Year’s Eddie! I kept thinking you were in the hospital and maybe those nasty AIDs boys had gotten to you.” She’s crying. It’s fake, Eddie knows it’s fake, but it makes him want to throw up. Not because she’s in pain or whatever feelings her dark soul portrays -but because Eddie is getting hit with all his past emotions, feelings and memories that he tries to forget.

“I um, I’ve been busy.” He whispers with a shaky breath. 

“Been busy with this Mike character?” She asks.

“No, he’s my friend.” Eddie says shamefully.

“Eddie no! I said no friends. Friend can get you sick.”

“Mom-.” He tries to interrupt.

“Maybe you should come home Eddie. Get away from those terrible  _friends_  of yours. My priest will be happy to take you in and get you away from those other  _boys_  that might carry the AIDS.” She spits out.

Eddie thinks of Richie.

His mom mentioned  _boys_ , all those boys that she would slap and yell at Eddie for looking and staring at. She used to lock him in his room if he dared say anything gay, telling him that he would catch AIDs. She would tell him horror stories of men that got it, she would show him pictures of gay men who were slowly dying. But Eddie thinks of Richie because -well because Richie isn’t like any of those gay men. He isn’t sick or dying he’s sweet and weird and adorable and Eddie’s favorite person.

His favorite person that he pushed away and misses terribly.

“I don’t need to come home mom, I’m fine here.” He says as the anxiety of speaking to his mother slowly turns into anger. 

“I think you should come him, send me your address and I’ll mail you a plane ticket. I’ll get you a private plane because you know how dirty and disease filled they all are.”

_Disease_ , like Eddie anxiety in his blood.

“Mom no-.”

“Don’t you dare say no to me Eddie. I’ll protect you from the diseases in New York. My friend visited New York told me that it’s crawling with those gay AIDs boys everywher-.”

Eddie can’t do this. He can’t sit here and listen to his horrible mother tell him lies about Richie. About the man he loves because he does -he fucking loves Richie and if you love someone you protect them and you stand up for them. And Eddie - _fuck_ \- Eddie doesn’t love his mom. She ruined him. She gave him anxiety and loneliness and he’s not letting her get away with anything anymore.

“I like those gay AIDs boys mom!” He almost yells in the phone. He stands up, sweating and on the verge of crying.

“ _Edward!_ ” She screams back.

_“_ Fuck you mom! You ruined me and you ruined my life and I’m not letting you control me anymore! I hate you. I hate you so much for making me into...into  _this_  but thank you for making me into this because without you I wouldn’t have fallen in love with a  _man_. A wonderful gay man! Goodbye.” He growls into the phone. Before she can respond and so that Eddie can get rid of her for good he throws his phone at the living room wall and watches it shatter onto the floor.

There now she’ll never find him again. 

He stares at it. Its stands for what he was, broken and unless but now he’s different and Richie, Richie makes him feel different and better. He felt better the day he met Richie, even when he didn’t talk to his mom she had a strong grip on him and now as he stares at that broken phone he feels lighter. He feels a weight lifting off of him and with it goes some of his anxiety. The anxiety of Sonia Kaspbrak.

He dresses in his green coat, scarf, and gloves as he rushes out the front door. He doesn’t have a phone anymore and he forbids to use the nearest pay phone because he needs to see Richie in person for this. Eddie walks as fast as his little legs can take him. He needs to get to Richie and since it’s late he knows that Richie is at work but he isn’t sure where that is. Maybe Eddie should have went to work with Richie that day he asked. 

He does know where Richie’s friends work so Eddie finds himself at the sandwich shop they went on their first date with fear of meeting Richie’s friends. He walks up towards the counter and stuffs his nervous hands in his pockets.

“Hello!” The cashier says.

“H-hi,” he breaths, “I’m looking for Bev or for Ben?” He tells the lady.

“Oh! Okay, may I have a name from you?” She asks.

“Eddie.” He tells her, looking at the sandwiches displayed behind her.

“Okay! I’ll be right back.” She’s chipper and walks into the back of the shop. Eddie steps away from the counter a bit and nods at the person in line behind him.

“Eddie,” he turns around at the sound of his name. The pretty red haired lady from three months ago is standing in front of him with crossed arms. Ben is standing behind her with a small smile, Eddie looks at him instead of her threatening glare.

“Hello,” he bites his lip. “I’m looking for Richie-.”

“He’s at work and I doubt he wants to see you.” She tusks. Eddie nods and looks at her face. He’s scared of her for a second but then remembers Richie telling him that Bev is sweet, protect yet sweet.

“I need to talk to him can you please give me the address for his work-.”

“No, now please leave. I have to get back to work.” Bev begins to stomps away and Eddie feels like crying out of frustration.

“I love him okay.” Eddie spits out and Bev turns to him. “I messed up and I need to tell him and I know you’re his friend and you probably hate me and I’m a mess but I  _need_  to talk to him.” Hebegs.

“Floor 33 in the brown building on the corner of 89th street.” Ben tells him with a smile. Bev turns to glare at him.

“Thank you so much.” He tells them and walks out quickly with a smile.

When Eddie makes it to the radio station he doesn’t feel as nervous. He knows he’ll be seeing Richie soon and that man helps so much that just thinking of him helps his anxiety. He asks about three people on the 33rd floor where Richie Tozier is and after two people ignoring him he finally gets an answer and that’s how Eddie is standing outside of door 3322.

The On Air sign isn’t on yet so with a slightly shaky hand he knocks on the door. He takes a deep breath and smiles as a tall man with light brown curly hair opens the door. He reminds him instantly of Bill.

“Hi!” Eddie squeaks out. “Sorry to bother you, I’m looking for Richie Tozier.” The other man leans forward and looks down the hallway before leaning back into the room.

“Sorry, no fans allowed.” He begins to close the door.

“No!” Eddie moves his hand to stop the door, “I’m Eddie Kaspbrak I need to talk to him.” He begs.

“Did you say Eddie?” The man asks and Eddie nods quickly. The man turns to look back into the room before looking back at Eddie.

“I’m Stan, come on in.” He opens the door wider.

“Stan, Richie talks about you all the time. Great to meet you and I would shake your hand but I need to see Richie.” He smiles and Stan smiles back as Eddie makes his way into the room. He smiles brighter when he sees Richie seated on the opposite of the recording glass. Sitting next to him is a random man who Richie is looking at with annoyance.

“He’s interviewing that guy, he’s not getting the job.” Eddie nods at Stan’s words and sinks into the wall of the room. Stan smiles at him as he walks to the table of buttons and leans down to press one.

“Okay, Jonathan thank your time you can come out and I’ll walk you down. Richie you’re on in 15.” Stan says. Jonathan nods and shakes Richie’s hand as he exits the room. He nods at Eddie when he walks into the tech room and Stan shakes his hand as he leads him out.

Eddie moves away from the wall as he slowly opens the door to the recording studio. Richie isn’t looking at him but focusing on some random buttons in front of him. Eddie wrinkles his hands together as he lets the door shut loudly behind him. Richie looks up at the noise.

“Hi,” He says lamely and waves his hand.

“ _Ed’s_.” Richie smiles.

“Sorry to come to your work but, I um,” Eddie looks at the ceiling for a moment. “I need to tell you something but I can’t think of how to do it.” He admits and laughs dryly as he looks at Richie. “Sorry,” He says again.

Richie shakes his head at him

“Don’t apologize. I’m so glad you’re here I’ve been trying to see you. I went to the bank and they’ve told me you got fired and then I went to your apartment but Mike and Bill won’t let me in and you don’t answer your phone,  _god_  I missed you.” He’s still smiling as he stands up and makes his way towards Eddie.

“Yeah, my phone is broke.” Eddie chuckles awkwardly. Richie looks good, tired but good. His hair is a mess like always but that smile on his face is so beautiful that Eddie can’t help but smile back. Richie wearing ripped black jeans and a white shirt with a stripe of rainbow going across it.

“You broke your phone?” Richie chuckles. Eddie pauses before speaking, a small flutter in his stomach.

“It’s a long story and I know that we have a lot to talk about with that last phone call we had and my anxiety but-.”

“You forgot didn’t you?” Richie is still smiling.

“Forgot what?” Eddie asks with a frown. Richie reaches out and taps his fingers against the smaller man’s hand. Eddie turns his hand to grasp Richie’s, his chest feels lighter with the touch.

“You know how you talk a lot after sex?” Eddie nods with a rolls of his eyes. “On the night we met you told me all about your mother and your anxiety and your fears.”

“Oh lord,” Eddie blushes.

“I guess you were more drunk than I was.” Richie laughs and Eddie smiles at the sound he’s missed.

“So you know them,” Eddie thinks out loud and Richie nods, “and I broke up with you for nothing,” he nods again, “all because I was scared and you already knew and already accepted me.” Richie continues to nod.

“Right you are mate,” he uses an Australian accent. It’s not the best but it’s cute and Eddie stands on his tippy toes to lean up and kiss the man. He moves his free arm to around Richie’s neck and pulls him in closer. Richie’s arm wraps around his waist as he grins into the kiss.

They pull away with happiness.

“I’m an ass.” Eddie tells him.

“No, you’re not but you do have a fucking great ass. The best ass I’ve ever seen.” Eddie laughs at him.

“Well, would you take this ass back?” Eddie plays along.

“Fuck yes I will.” Richie leans down to kiss him slowly. When they pull away Eddie blinks up at the large eyes. He pushes away the anxiety that is still stuck with him and focuses solely on the beautiful man in front of him.

“I love you,” Eddie whispers.

There’s a nest of silence where Richie slips his free hand down to Eddie’s ass, he lays it there.

“I love you too,” Richie says with Eddie’s least favorite British accent.

“You’re an idiot,” Eddie rolls his eyes at him. Richie pulls him back in for another kiss.

“As cute as all this is, Richie you’re on in 8.” Stan’s voice projects into the studio and Eddie blushes as he spots the tall man smiling through the glass. He looks slightly bored, just as Richie always described.

“Thanks Stan!” Richie calls out. He moves back towards his seat and pulls Eddie with him.

“We need to have a sober talk about my problems and everything but first you do your show.” Eddie tries to pull his grip away as Richie sits down.

“Do it with me.” Richie tells him.

“Huh?” Eddie questions with raised eyebrows.

“C’mon I’ve fucking missed you and I can’t find anyone to be my co-host. It will-.”

“I don’t know anything about hosting a radio show.”

“You don’t need too. I’ll do the buttons and everything and whenever you wanna put your input in you can. I swear it’ll be fun and if you don’t like it then you won’t have to do it again but if you do like it than you’re hired.” Richie begs as he pouts his lip out.

Eddie blinks at him.

“You owe me one since you broke up with me.” He teases and Eddie slowly sits into the seat next to Richie.

“Can I call you an idiot on air?” Eddie teases as he slips off his jacket.

“If you want.” Richie reaches out to place headphones on Eddie. “Or you can call me daddy on air or in the bedroom or in everyday life. It’s your choice.”

“God you are truly an idiot.” Eddie leans in for a kiss.

As Stan counts down to the beginning of the show Eddie feels nervous and anxious. Maybe he shouldn’t be doing this. Maybe he should have taken an anxiety pill before running out of his apartment. Just as his arms start to feel heavy with anxiety Richie is reaching over to grip his hand with a smile and suddenly Eddie doesn’t feel so bad anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Sadly, I am not too happy with this fic. I did try my best at creating Eddie's anxiety. Please leave comments on your thoughts about this fic, thank you.


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